The Lord of the Things
by Japs
Summary: A Parody of the great J. R. R. Tolkien's
1. The Almost-Last Alliance

It began with the forging of the great Things.  
  
Three Things were given to the elves; Unbeatable, smartest and the best in bed of all beings.  
  
Seven to the dwarf lords, smelly little men of great mountain halls.  
  
And nine. Nine to the men. I bet the forgers of the Things faces' were red after that slip-up.  
  
For these Things were powerful, but must be used wisely, because a lot of really bad stuff would happen. But, something bad happened anyway, just the piss the thing-bearers off.  
  
In the land of Boredor, in the fires of Mount Disaster, the dark lord Sadron forged in secret a master Thing to control all others.  
  
And into this Thing he poured his hard laws on uniform, his hatred of all creatures, and his will to dominate all of a rather big area.  
  
One Thing to rule them all.  
  
One by one, free people in Centre Earth fell to the power of the Thing.  
  
  
  
But there were some who resisted.  
  
  
  
A not-so-last alliance of Men and Elves marched against the armies of Boredor. And on the slopes of Mount Disaster, they fought for the freedom of Centre Earth.  
  
  
  
Victory was near. But the power of the Thing could not be undone.  
  
It was in this moment, when all hope had faded, that Dismildur, son of the king, took up his father's sword.  
  
Sadron, the enemy of the almost-free people of Centre Earth, was hurt very very badly and ran home crying.  
  
The Thing passed to Dismildur, who had this one chance to destroy evil for a very long time.  
  
But he didn't. So the thing betrayed Dismildur to his death.  
  
  
  
And some Things that should not have been forgotten were lost. History became legend; legend became a story told to children to stop them staying up late. And a very long time later the Thing passed out of all knowledge. Until, when chance came, it got pissed off from being alone and found the creature Sorebum, who took it deep into the tunnels of the Musky Mountains. And there it consumed him.  
  
The Thing brought to Sorebum unnatural long life. For a lot of years it poisoned his mind. And in Sorebum's Sty it waited.  
  
  
  
Suddenly, it abandoned Sorebum. But something happened then, that the Thing did not intend. Some guy picked it up.  
  
A hobbit. Dildo Shaggins of the Shiter.  
  
  
  
For the time would soon come when hobbits would shape the fortunes of quite a few people. 


	2. The Long-Expected Grub Up

A horse and cart trundled by. The rider of the cart was cheerful, and singing a nice little tune. He was elderly and grey, and he was a coned hat with stars all over it, and navy blue robes. Just then, from the bushes, a pest appeared.  
  
'Your late!' It said in a high, girly way.  
  
'A second rate magician is never late, Dofo Shaggins.' Replied the driver. 'Nor is he early.'  
  
'Because no-one will hire the sad git for parties!' Dofo interrupted. The two laughed heartily, and Dofo jumped aboard.  
  
'I'm sick of the sight of you allready, Sandgulf.' Said the hearty young hobbit. Sandulf playfully wrapped his hands around the Hobbits neck.  
  
'What news of the world?' Said Dofo, his breath finally returning. 'Tell me everything you know, so it wont take too long.'  
  
'It's dull at the moment, my lad.' Said Sandgulf. 'Baseball season is over.' He then spotted something to his left. 'Aha!' He proclaimed. 'The long-expected Grub-up!'  
  
His words were true enough, as a large wheelbarrow of unclean meat was been hoisted by a messy Hobbit.  
  
'How is the fat bloater?' Sandgulf asked. 'He's said to have enough food to feed a dragon!'  
  
'You know Dildo.' Replied Dofo. 'He's said to have a suprise in store. Half the Shiter has been invited to his nosh-up! I wonder what's in store.'  
  
Sandgulf laughed at Dofo's pitiful hinting.  
  
'All right, don't tell me.' Dofo growled. 'Before you came along, we Shagginses had a very good name, not to mention high wealth.'  
  
'If, by that, you mean the incident with the Dwarf thieves, I was hardly involved. All I did was give them all directions, that's all.'  
  
  
  
This was true, for a long while back, just before the time Sandgulf left the shire until this moment, coincidently, a dozen Dwarves broke into Dildo's nice Hobbit-Slum and stole a hefty portion of his money, leading him chasing them with his pointed stick right into the Musky Mountains, where he found something most unusual.  
  
  
  
'Sandgulf.' Said Dofo, ready to leap off the cart. 'I'm glad you're back.'  
  
Dofo didn't tell him that his friends Pipout and Marry were planning a trick on Sandgulf, which was why he was happy for his return.  
  
'So am I.' Said Sandgulf, rubbing an explosive secretly. 'So am I.' 


	3. Sandgulf's Return

With a sharp and continuous tap of his plastic wand, Sandgulf was greeted by a friendly voice from behind the moldy green Hobbit door.  
  
'GET LOST! WE DON'T WANT ANY MORE WINDOW CLEANERS, POST-HOBBITS OR DOOR-TO- DOOR SALES MEN!'  
  
'And what about very old fugitives?' The magician replied. The door swung open.  
  
'Sandgulf!' Dildo cried merrily, dealing a welcoming kick to the groin of his friend. 'You've returned to the Shiter!'  
  
'Indeed.' Came the higher-than-normal voice of the collapsed Sandgulf. 'I thought it was about time we had a little natter about old times.'  
  
'And the explosives in the cart?' Dildo asked, his foot suddenly going ajar and swinging to the elderly ones face.  
  
'Just a little precaution.' Whined Sandgulf. 'Can never be to careful with these- oi!'  
  
A little Hobbit was retching through the cart. His head shot up like a bullet and was about to run when he found himself being dragged by the ear by a magic spell from the wand. Forced through the closed gate, and run up the hard stone stairs, the Hobbit was brought to Dildo and Sandgulf.  
  
'Confound you, Scramthick Screwmee!' Shouted the old coot. 'What were you doing in there?'  
  
'I be doing no 'arm, Mr. Sandcrack.' Bawled Scram. 'I was-was-was just lookin' for Mr. Dofo, that be all!'  
  
'Who's looking for me?' Said Dofo, striding over the splinters of Dildo's gate. He then spotted Sandgulf. 'Drat you, you elderly dung beetle! You didn't tell me you were coming here too! I would have hitched a ride!'  
  
Scramthick trotted to Dofo's side and huddled behind him for protection. Dildo turned to Sandgulf.  
  
'I must be leaving.' He said. 'I have to go and begin cooking for my guests! Around fifty are expected to turn up, I daresay they've been starving themselves all morning for this! I suppose you must make yourself at home, you old fart. Could I, perhaps, borrow a few of those "fireworks"?'  
  
Sandgulf laughed. 'By all means, deer Dildo. I obviously have no use for them now that Dofo has found out I have them. Which reminds me, I must speak to you Dofo. Bring that cowering idiot behind you too, for I may have a use for him yet...' 


	4. A Conspiracy Unmasked Is Worth Two In Th...

Inside Dildo's Hobbit dump, it was clear the last Spring Clean was quite a many springs ago. Fungus was crawling unnaturally up the walls, stains of water from the pipe works plastered the higher supports and there was an over-all funk of venerable, unwashed socks. So, Sandgulf resolved that it was no different from any other Hobbit nook and, indeed, was almost exactly like he had left it those many years ago. Dofo and Scram sat down and rudely ignored their guest, talking of the fun times they had as boys. Sandgulf made himself welcome to some tea and interrupted the two's chitchat.  
  
'Now the old dung-face is away, Dofo, could I take a peek at your Uncle Dildo's Thing?'  
  
'Good Gracious!' Cried Dofo. 'You old prune! I didn't know you were gagging for it that bad!'  
  
'No, no!' Cried Sandgulf. 'I meant the THING! You know, that round, magical, finger-sized object?'  
  
'Oh, THAT thing!' Said Dofo, jumping up and running to a display case. 'Ever since Uncle D had that operation, I've made that mistake already!'  
  
'WHAT?' Sandgulf yelled, standing up rather rapidly. 'Someone else has asked to see your thing?'  
  
'Yes.' Said Dofo, pulling down a small box. 'A big, black, horse-riding fellow.'  
  
'That must be a-' Sandgulf began.  
  
'A Black Rider?' Dofo interrupted in his exited way. Sandgulf dealt him a friendly slap accross the brow.  
  
'You interupt too much!' He grumbled. 'They are called Night Riders in this Parody. We don't want sued. But, alas, this can only mean one thing.'  
  
  
  
Sandgulf slowly lifted from the small box a thick, gold-banded "O" which could fit around one's finger. With a sigh, he placed it on the table and massaged his forehead. 'This is the One Thing.'  
  
'Surely so, Mr. Sandcastle.' Said Scram. 'It be the only one of it's sort here!'  
  
'Damn you, you incompetent peasant!' Shouted Sandgulf. 'Did you not read the first chapter?'  
  
'But...' Dofo winged. 'Sadron was scalded... He locked himself in his room!'  
  
'Sadly, my little half-wit, it seems that he has been stirred once more, and his boo-boo has not healed. Indeed, he walks this earth again but not as man, but as-'  
  
'-A SPIRIT?' Interrupted Dofo.  
  
'No, something worse.' Moaned Sandgulf. 'He is in the form of... Donald Duck.'  
  
There were screams from inside Dildo's chez that could be heard for miles around.  
  
'Never utter those words again, you fool!' Cried Dofo. 'Surely Sadron will be looking for this Thing,' at this point he slipped the Thing into his trousers for safekeeping. ', So I will take it to where ever we can hide it.'  
  
'I have a better plan.' Said Sandgulf, rubbing his chin with his wand. 'Why don't you take it all the way to Boredor, and destroy it for good!'  
  
'No! I wo-'  
  
'That's settled. You can take the Thing to Boredor.' 


	5. A Rather Big Mistake

'Why are you leaving so soon?' Dofo asked, mimicking that he was upset to see Sandgulf go. 'What if the Night Riders come here?'  
  
'I'm afraid Sandgulf and I must go.' Said Dildo, packing his stuff. 'I intend to go on a long holiday.'  
  
'And I have to see a friend of a friend.' Said Sandgulf. The two were actually being hunted down after a large, un-accidental explosion at Dildo's Grub Fest. Dildo showed Sandgulf to the door, but when he opened it, he found two young Hobbits standing outside.  
  
'Oh... Hullo, Dilly!' Said one.  
  
'Nice weather we're having!' Said the other.  
  
'Why!' Said Scram. 'If it isn't Marry and Pipout!  
  
'It sure is!' Chimed Pipout.  
  
'We weren't doing anything.' Said Marry.  
  
'Glad to hear it.' Said Sandalf. 'Now excuse me, we must be off.'  
  
And so Dildo and Sandalf quickly departed the Shiter.  
  
'Oh well.' Said Scram. 'It's kind o' sad to see 'em go, ain't it?'  
  
'Yes.' Said Dofo. 'Oh well. Are we ready to go?'  
  
'Sure are!' Said Pipout. He pointed to the sign he and Marry had put on the door. "Abandoned".  
  
'Brilliant!' Said Dofo. 'Let us go to our new home in Suckland!'  
  
  
  
And so the fellows ran from the Shiter. Soon they came across a large field.  
  
'That's Farmer Faggots crop!' Explained Pipout. 'Lets go nick some food for our journey!'  
  
And so the Hobbits did. But it wasn't until their fatal error of trying to get "That big, long, dog-tail-like carrot" then they were discovered. With a yank and a snap, Pipout gracefully legged it while Farmer Faggots dog tried to get revenge for the loss of his prime tail. They Hobbits ran so fast and so far, they made it to Suckland in no time.  
  
Suckland was very much like Hobbitslum, in the fact that no one had proper waste disposal units. This was the usual way of the Hobbits of Centre Earth, as the old saying goes: "Live Clean, Think Clean". Hobbits were not the cleanest-minded people.  
  
  
  
Unpacking in their new home, Dofo became happy again. His troubles were behind him. Picking up his last pair of soiled underwear from his case, he looked merrily down to something that slipped his mind.  
  
'Bother!' He called in an angry manner. 'It's the One Thing!'  
  
'I thought we left that b'ind, Mr. Dofo.' Said Scram. Dofo looked uncomfortably at Pipout and Marry.  
  
'Oh, don't worry about us!' Said Pipout happily.  
  
'Scram's been telling us all about this Thing Business.'  
  
'Well.' Said Dofo. 'It seems that the Thing will come with me no matter what I do, so I guess I must go to Boredor now. We are still in danger as long as the Thing is with us, and it will be ever with us by some strange, unseen power.'  
  
And so the Hobbits packed up their stuff and gave the house to their neighbour, Tatty Forger.  
  
'If by an unseen power you mean the fact you forgot about the Thing, Dofo, you're correct.' Muttered Marry. And for no reason, Scramwise Screwmee suddenly cheered up after his constant depression over his virginity and said:  
  
'Did you realise, Mr. Dofo, we're going to see the elves?'*  
  
  
  
  
  
*See Definition of Elves, Page 1 


End file.
